Don't Think
by itzalliballi
Summary: Derek finds that in his most honest of times, he misses his ex-wife. Derek POV/Addek. Oneshot.


Hey guys. This is my 1st attempt on a fic that centers about Derek and Addison. I hope you like it. Please let me know!

**I left out in a cloud of taillights and dust  
Swore I wasn't coming back  
Said I'd had enough  
Saw you in the rear view  
Fading from my life  
But I wasn't turning round  
No not this time  
**

I'll never forget the night I left the brownstone. The night I left Addison. It was one of the worst storms I can remember, and I probably shouldn't have been driving. The lightening struck down faster than I could wipe away a tear. Not that I was doing a lot of wiping, the rain had already drenched me to begin with, and it would have been impossible to keep it out of my face. I hadn't even tried to hide from it. I let it beat down on me. Nor did I run to get out of it. Getting wet was the least of my thoughts or concerns.

Not that it mattered to me then. Nothing mattered except getting away from her. From them. It was one of the worst nights of my life. There's nothing quite like the feeling of walking into a home you've built with someone and just knowing that your life is about to crumble. Because I knew, even before I saw his jacket on the ground, before I saw them in bed, I knew. Even without the thunder shaking the foundation of the house, it was crumbling. I couldn't blame mother nature for that. Although, I would have liked to.

I remember sitting in my car in the garage for a good thirty minutes after I walked out. I remember crying until my eyes burned, and then I made myself stop. I think even then I knew that I'd pushed her to it, not that I would have admitted it then. I can barely admit it now. I finally forced myself to pull away. Forced myself out into the eye of the storm.

I remember distinctly thinking that it would be better than going back into that house. Without clothes, without even what I had considered essentials, I left the life I spent over ten years building. I thought she was essential at one time too, and it'd gotten me to that point. Essentials didn't seem so important. Nothing seemed important except distance.

She was standing at the end of our driveway, staring down the road. I assume she thought I'd already left. I didn't look close enough to see if she was still crying, but I'm pretty sure she was. I refused to acknowledge her screams as I drove backwards onto the street. I thought about telling her to get back inside. To stop embarrassing herself. For someone so set on always looking perfect, she didn't seem to mind standing out in the middle of a storm in an old t-shirt. The t-shirt was Mark's, but I didn't linger on that for longer than absolutely necessary. I was already sick enough.

She told me once that she'd ran after me that night, she ran all the way to the end of the neighborhood. I hadn't known that. I refused to look back. One of the good things about it being three in the morning on a Wednesday was that the roads were deserted. There was nothing for me to look back at. Even though I wanted to. I'm not sure I would have been able to leave had I known she ran after me.

Thunder was usually enough of a reason to keep Addison inside, much less there being lightening lighting up the sky. Addison wasn't someone that ran in the rain. She didn't like looking desperate, and I realize now that maybe that was part of the problem. She could never let me see her desperation to fix things in New York.

**  
But don't think I don't think about it  
Don't think I don't have regrets  
Don't think it don't get to me  
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey  
Don't think I don't wonder bout  
Could've been should've been all worked out**

I almost expected her to be gone when I showed up at her hotel room that night. I half expected her to already be on a flight to anywhere but here. But she wasn't. She wasn't like me, she didn't run away when things got hard. She loved me enough to let me have closure to a marriage we'd destroyed. She let me apologize, she let me take some fault, and she let me let go. One thing I did not expect was for Mark to leave the bathroom in a towel. It wasn't until that moment that I was acutely aware that Addison's hair was drenched, and she was only covered in a bathrobe.

I smiled because I didn't know what else to do. I think I smiled because I almost felt sorry for Addison. Seattle had always been mine. We had never made it ours, so it didn't hurt so much to see Mark in her hotel room. We weren't divorced yet, but we were close enough. I think we both knew it. I almost even said; 'Welcome to Seattle' to him, but I didn't. I didn't want him to get the impression I wanted him to stay. Even though, maybe in a way, I did. Not that I would have admitted it then. Or even accept it. After all, I didn't take his appearance at the hospital with such good grace. Instead, I said a silent toast and downed her champagne. I wanted another one, but I wasn't about to stay for that towel to fall. I didn't like the way he was playing with it.

I loved Meredith, and that was enough for me then. It was enough to walk out that door without another word. I often wondered if Mark felt bad that night, but then she moved to LA, and he let her go. I didn't realize it until then that he really loved her. Mark wasn't one to take fault where fault didn't belong. He wasn't even one to fault when he did deserve it. But he had lied to her, and let her go, and I realized why he'd let Addison treat him like second best. It was because he loved her. I almost felt sorry for him, and if it had been anyone but my ex-wife, I would have.

Somewhere along the way, I got my best friend back. Mark is nothing if not persistent. He was right. I needed him. Mark knew me better than anyone else, and in a hospital full of people who really only knew me for breaking Meredith- and Rose, it was nice to have him there. The thing about Mark, unlike Addison, he has never claimed perfection. He's never even tried to achieve it outside the OR. I find it refreshing. I am constantly trying to find the key that will get me in to Heaven's gate, and yet I keep failing. The only destination Mark aspires to is between someone's legs, and he is living a happy life. Maybe I should start taking some pointers.

She sent me a card the first Christmas she spent in LA. I didn't tell Mark that she asked about him. I still don't know if it was what was right, but he was finally moving on, and I didn't think it was fair that he should be hurt by her again. Her being alone was not reason enough to raise his hopes again. I know they would too, because she'd done it to him too many times. History had a way of repeating itself with Mark. She told me she missed me too, but I think that was more out of politeness than anything. She was dating, she had said, but it wasn't serious. I think she wanted to know if I had fixed things with Meredith, but I never wrote her back.

I wasn't willing to admit that my relationship with Meredith was anything but perfect. We fought- almost constantly. Between work, and her friends demanding she not build her life around us. Sex was about the only time we spent together, and honestly, it was rare that one of us didn't leave after we were done.

But, I was too stubborn to admit that to Addison. I refused to admit I'd thrown away our marriage on something that wasn't working. So I didn't write. Even though I wanted to. Even though I missed her. I missed everything about her. I missed her shoes stashed in every corner of the trailer, the smell of her perfume, her fierce red hair to match her snappy comments. I missed her, but it wasn't something I was willing to say out loud or write down on paper.

So instead, I sat at my kitchen counter and re-read her card over and over until tears welled in my eyes. Only then did I throw it away. I had wanted to keep it, but it would have just caused another fight, and I was sick of fighting.

No matter how many times I assured Meredith that I was in love with her, she never quite believed me. She wanted to trust me, she tried so hard, but the trust never quite made it's mark. It was our doom. She took a job in Atlanta the next May. We promised we'd make the effort to make sure we worked. After all, all we'd been through, surely we were meant to be together. She flew out three times, and by the third time I didn't even recognize her voice.

I flew out there as well, but it was obvious I did not fit into her life there. She had friends that didn't know our past, and it was obvious she didn't want them to. It'd hurt, but I couldn't really blame her for not wanting her secrets splashed for the world to see. Christmas came, and it was the last time I saw her. She hadn't even told me she was coming into town. I saw her at Joe's with Cristina. We spoke for a moment, and it was obvious to both of us that we were over. It hurt when I realized we weren't Derek and Meredith anymore, but somehow it didn't hurt as bad as when I wasn't apart of Derek and Addison.

I walked away gracefully, and even though I could feel her eyes on my back, she didn't follow. I was thankful. I just needed a moment to accept the ending of another relationship. It hurt. There was no doubt in my mind that this was in need of several bottles of scotch, but it was not unbearable. I could still breathe without her. Along the way, I'd learned to breathe on my own.

She'd come to the bar later, sitting beside me. We sat there, mostly in silence, for about an hour. I was trying to think of something to say to her, anything at all, but I couldn't. I'd once called her the love of my life, and I had nothing to say to her. We hadn't spoken in over a month. I'm not even sure either of us had tried. I don't remember ever actually making a point not to call her, but I also don't remember thinking I should either. How had that happened?

"I'm sorry, Meredith." I said to her, setting my glass down on the bar long enough to meet her gaze. Her eyes were sparkling with unshed tears, and she was staring at me but she didn't respond. I'm not sure what I really expected her to say, but I had wanted something. It was Meredith though, and Meredith never did what I expected her to do.

"You always are, Derek." She sighed, downing a shot that Joe had placed in front of her at some point during the silence. She was still beautiful. Still breathtaking even with all the pain that'd been casted on her. She was able to hold her chin up. She had put more into us than I had, I realized. It wasn't the first time I'd come to that realization in my life, and I immediately felt guilty. She had been right not to trust me. I was a surgeon above all else. I was a surgeon above being a human, and she'd had front row tickets to the sham of a life I'd tried to have.

"You are beautiful, Mer." I told her, because it was true. I wanted her to know that she would find someone better than me, but I doubt that's how the words came across to her. Her body tensed for a moment, and the next she was standing up. I expected her to walk away from me, but she didn't. Instead, her chest was nearly rubbing against mine, and her arms snaked around my neck. I was hesitant to wrap my arms around her waist, but then I heard a soft sob shake her body, and there was no more hesitance.

I slipped to my feet to hold her, ignoring the looks we were receiving. Some of the onlookers probably thought we were patching things up, but they were wrong. This was Meredith's goodbye. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. "You are so amazing." I whispered into her ear before tucking my face into her neck, breathing that smell that I'd grown to love so much. It was one of the few things she hadn't changed. She still smelled like lavender.

"Take care of yourself, Derek." She pulled away, wiping gently at her glistening cheeks. She cast her eyes to the floor, and I suppose she was embarrassed at all of the people staring. I'd grown used to people staring. Everyone had been waiting for me to mess up, waiting for me to move on to the next girl- the next intern most believed. It wasn't like that though. I loved Meredith, I will probably always love Meredith, but I'm not who she needs. I'm probably not even who she loves anymore.

"You too." I forced a smile as my hands dropped from her waist. I had to let her go, and I was determined to make the pain as little as possible. She gave me a smile back and then she left the bar. It was like she vanished. Cristina was still sitting in the booth, no one even went after her.

I almost convinced myself the next day that I'd dreamed the whole event. But then Rose came up to me and gave me a hug after a surgery and apologized. And then I knew. Everyone knew that she was gone, and she wasn't coming back. At least not back to me. And then I cried. For the first time since she moved to Atlanta, I let myself cry. A small part of me knew I shouldn't when Rose was there, but at that point, I couldn't control it. Maybe she knew that she was the one that needed to do it. She'd been the innocent bystander in all of it, and she probably got hurt more than anyone else.

I found out later that Mark was in the parking lot. He took her to the airport. I felt like I should have been angry, and the way he avoided me for two days told me he thought I would be. But anger never came. Mostly I was thankful. I'm not sure I would have been able to let her get on that plane knowing she was never coming back. I still ask Cristina sometimes about how she's doing, but I don't get detailed answers. Something tells me she's married, and if she is, I don't want to know. There was a reason she didn't tell me herself.

**  
I know what I felt and I know what I said  
But don't think I don't think about it  
When we make choices  
We gotta live with it  
Heard you found a real good man and you married him  
I wonder if sometime I cross your mind?  
Where would we be today if I never drove that car away? **

It's always strange when you see people outside of where you expect them to be. It's like being a kid, and seeing your teacher outside of school, having a life without the books and the erasers. It is strange, and throws me more than a little off balance. Therefore, I was more than a little shocked when Addison was at my conference in New York a few years ago.

It'd been six years since I'd seen her, and my stomach plummeted as soon as I saw her. She isn't one to blend into the crowd . Her long legs make her stand above most of the crowd, and her hair distinguishes her among the rest. I was in the middle of my research presentation when I saw her, and suddenly I couldn't speak. I might have even said her name the moment I saw her. I can't be sure, the details of the presentation are fuzzy. Her cheeks flamed the color of her hair though, and it took everything in me to finish my presentation. I was glad she didn't leave. She was at the bar when I found her.

"Addison." I spoke her name, and I wasn't even sure she heard me till she finally turned to look at me. There were tears in her eyes. "Addi? Are you okay?" The words came out without a thought to if they should have. A hand instinctively went to her lower back, but she wouldn't allow it to linger. She turned towards me, forcing my hand to drop to my side.

"Derek." She said my name as if she had been hoping she wouldn't have to say it. Like it physically hurt her to say the word. "What brings you here?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing." I nod to the podium, wondering if she'd really forgotten that I was just on stage presenting.

"I live here." It caught me off guard. I'd assumed she still lived in LA. Not that I had tried to find out.

"Wow. I had no idea." It was a weak response, and I could tell it wasn't what she'd been wanting to hear. Not that I knew what she did want to hear.

"Clearly." She huffed, turning back towards the bar.

"How are you?" I asked, not willing to let the conversation end so soon. I had missed her so much. I just needed a few more moments.

"Married." I felt like I'd been sucker punched. It wasn't that the thought hadn't entered my mind, but I hadn't entertained it. I guess I'd always hoped she hadn't found someone either. I'd hoped she'd compared everyone to us. It hurt when I realized she probably had, and I wasn't the better choice.

"Wow. Congrats." I knew that my face showed no amount of joy, and so I wasn't surprised when she didn't respond. She didn't even look at me, actually. "I mean it, Ad." My voice softened as I placed my hand on her arm. "I hope you are really happy."

"I am. All of our friends are jealous." Another punch. I'd been there with Addison too. We were Derek and Addison, and we were supposed to be invincible. Maybe they were never jealous of the couple Addison made. They were just jealous at the way Addison portrayed herself to the world- perfect. Yet, she didn't look like things were perfect. I didn't push though, if she was anything like me, she wouldn't admit defeat to me.

"You always were a star." I tilted my head with a smile as she looked at me. Her eyes started to narrow, but she relaxed them and took another sip of her wine.

"I'm not a star, Derek. Stars burn out. I am just me. I am just Addison Forbes Montgomery Sutcliffe." Sutcliffe, the name rang in my ears like a smoke alarm. It wasn't right. All I'd ever known her as was Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd .Even after we divorced, I thought of her as Addison Shepherd. With or without my ring, she was my family.

"Sutcliffe, huh?" I wanted to make a comment about her being too stubborn to have new initials, but I refrained. She didn't seem to be in a joking mood.

"Yes. He's a SWAT team guy. Watch out." She grinned for the first time, and I immediately felt better. Maybe I made her unhappiness up in my head. For my own sanity.

"No doctor this time, huh? That's new."

"Everything is new. I like it this way."

"So you said you live here, but why are you I here /I ?"

"It was his idea. He saw it in the newspaper. Wanted to see you for himself."

"He's here?" I nearly choked on the words, glancing around the room, suddenly all too conscious at the very little space I'd allowed between us.

"No. He's off being SWAT guy." She frowned, glancing down at her phone that was now vibrating in her hands. She ignored it.

"Oh. I.. I'm sorry, Addi."

"I guess not everything is new after all, huh?" She sniffled quietly before straightening her stance and grasping her purse tightly.

"Goodbye Derek." I went to hug her, but she shook her head, stepping backwards before I could get to her. She started to walk away, but she stopped and turned back around, her index finger pointing at me accusingly. "I wrote you. I wrote to you. I missed you, Derek. I missed you so much, and you ignored me. I thought .. You know. I thought that we were.."

"I wanted to, Addi." I frowned, stepping towards her in an attempt to make her understand. "You have no idea how many times I wanted to write you back. To tell you that I missed you. But I.. I thought you just missed Mark."

"I wrote to you, Derek." She shook her head, and it occurred to me that she was almost in tears.

"Don't think I didn't think about it."

"How is Meredith anyway?" I blinked several times, because it'd been years since someone mentioned her name in front of me.

"She was in Atlanta last I heard." I shrugged my shoulders, I didn't know. I hadn't been told, and I hadn't asked.

"You don't know?"

"She moved the May after your wrote. We weren't doing well, and I didn't want to admit to you that I'd failed someone else. I didn't want to admit that I wasn't worthy of someone else." I was surprised when she walked towards me, wrapping her arms around my neck in a hug.

"I'm sorry, Derek. I didn't know." She pulled back, blinking as she glanced around the room. "You were Derek and Meredith.."

"We were Derek and Addison, and here we are." I pointed out, looking down at the rock on her finger. It was smaller than the one I'd given her, and I wondered if she liked it more. I don't know what she did with mine. I wanted to ask, but I kept my mouth shut. I probably didn't want to know.

"Regrets get you nowhere, Derek. Trust me on that." Her words held such a conviction, I didn't try to argue with her that I couldn't help it. Regret ate me alive.

"You should tell your husband he's very lucky." I frowned, wondering how I'd never realized it when I was her husband.

"I told you all the time. Didn't do any good." She winked, and I felt another punch in my stomach. She'd moved on from us. I hadn't been able to.

"Well, I'm hoping he's smarter than I am."

"Not everyone can be smarter than a brain surgeon." She laughed, once again ignoring another call. She would probably ignore mine too.

"Most people can be more than a brain surgeon." That was the truth. Most people were smart enough to know how to balance their job and their personal life. I hadn't figured it out. I'd lost hope that I ever would.

"Take a vacation, Derek. Time away from everyone else's brain would do yours some good."

"Vacation? What's that?" I grinned, remembering all the times she'd begged for me to take her to Paris or Rome. It was one of my regrets. One of many many regrets.

She smiled as if she knew that was coming. She probably did. Unlike her, I hadn't changed. "I have to go meet a friend for lunch. But it was good to see you, Derek. Send your mom my love, okay?"

"Addi." I shook my head. "My family will always be your family. Call her."

"Thanks." She grinned, clutching her phone a little tighter. "I will do that." She waved over her head as she walked away from me. I smiled because it was true. No matter what, Addison Montgomery would always be a Shepherd.

**  
But don't think I don't think about it  
Don't think I don't have regrets  
Don't think it don't get to me  
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey  
Don't think I don't wonder bout  
Could've been should've been all worked out  
Yeah I know what I felt and I know what I said  
But don't think I don't think about it  
No no  
Don't think I don't  
Don't think I don't **

That was two years ago. I sent her a Christmas card that year- from the Bahamas. She didn't write back, but I didn't expect her to. I just wanted her to know that I finally listened to her. It's Christmas time again, and I am still living in the trailer- alone. Even Mark finally broke down and got an apartment in the city. I am holding strong though. The trailer is my solace.

"I can't believe you still live here." For a moment, I thought I imagined her voice, but then I smelled her perfume, and I knew that she was there. I jump up off my chair to hug her. I somehow hadn't even heard her car- or was that a Taxi? I wasn't sure.

"Addison!" I smile, probably holding her tighter than I should.

"Somebody missed me." She grins, allowing me to hug her until I convince myself she's real.

"What are you doing here?" I look around, suddenly embarrassed. It'd been awhile since anyone but Mark had come out, and Mark didn't really care about how clean things were, as long as there was alcohol. Her hand catches my eye, and I realize there's no ring. "How long are you here for?"

"I hear you are Chief now." I grin, nodding my head. Richard finally retired and moved to Florida with Adele.

"That's right. I am in charge." I smile proudly. It was, after all, what'd kept me in Seattle above all else. Knowing that the job was going to be mine, eventually.

"Got any openings?"

"For you? I would fire someone if I didn't." It was suppose to be a joke, but I think we both knew that I was probably more serious than I'd realized.

"Time for a change of scenery."

"Well, there aren't many of the same people here as when you left. Mark.. Yang.."

"Ah. Yes. I saw Mark at the hospital. Hitting on a nurse." She grinned and I laughed. Of course he was. I have a feeling he was going to be hitting on nurses on his death bed. Just a guess though. "He told me I could find you here."

"Are you going to make that poor driver sit there all night, or are you going to let him go?" I laugh and she blushes before looking into the trailer. At the one bed. "Oh come on, Addi. It's not like we haven't shared a bed before. I think I can keep my hands to myself." I laugh, even though it's slightly misplaced. I'd meant to make her more comfortable, but I don't think it had that effect.

"All right." She finally nods, probably thinking of the charge that was continuously rising by the second. I watch as she makes her way back up the stairs with no suitcases.

"Where's your luggage?" I ask, it is not like Addison to go anywhere without luggage. She doesn't have few essentials, she has many. Shoes, purses, jewelry, clothes. They were all essentials to Addison's. At least they had been.

"My bag is at the hotel."

"Bag? As in singular?"

"Fine. I am running. I am running away from the disaster that is in my life in New York. Don't think I didn't think about it. But I don't think he will be coming after me. Okay? So. Let's just not. Okay?"

"OK." I nod, not wanting to upset her anymore than she already is. Clearly whatever happened has her distraught. One bag? What happened to Addison Shepherd? I realized what happened is she got remarried. Addison was married to another man.

"Hey Derek?" I barely heard my name between the sniffling, but I used the clues since she was looking at me with puppy eyes.

"Yeah Ad?"

"I'm sorry you had to see us. In bed. I'm sorry. It hurts- seeing it."

"I'm sorry I ran away."

"But we're here now." She nodded, wiping at her tears stubbornly.

"We are here now." I grin, wrapping my arms around her waist loosely, letting her head fall on my shoulder. Maybe it didn't matter that I drove away, because she was here now.


End file.
